Your way or His way?

To get a full story one must start with the Beginning.  In the beginning was silence. Loud noises from the television screen, voices of familiar people, lights flicking, doors slamming. The home of the deafening surrounded by hearing sounds high pitches low pitches but nothing from behind.  This is my story.

From the earliest I can recall, I was born hearing. I spoke like any other child yet there was something different. I had speech therapy. I hated math but I loved English and Reading. I recall trying to pronounce big words like "encyclopedia" My grandmother would break it down until I learned to pronounce it.

Over the years my hearing loss gradually became worse. I've always worn hearing aids. Mom's side of the family most of them were born hearing then became Deaf. My dad is the only one in his family Deaf. Genetics I figured, a mix of two worlds. I loved being in both worlds to learn the culture what it's like to hear & what's like in the silence.

During my last year of college I realized I was set to enter a new world -- "where do I go from here? it all used to be so clear"  A world where independence rules, lessons learned, faith grows. I leaned about a new technology called Cochlear Implant (CI)s. I am an open minded person eager to learn to grow. I strive to succeed. I've always had to work harder to try to hear everything because I wanted to I didn't like to be left out. When my ears failed, I've relied on other senses, vision and body language to accommodate in communication. Yet I hold onto the hope one day I would hear really hear because I've always loved music. Music is one way my Heavenly Father speaks to me. 

My hearing began to decrease and it was time for a change. "I'm finding I can't do this on my own. I will TRUST in YOU" .
 I went to the audiologist and long story short she told me I was a candidate for  CI.  Panic arose, my chest ached, my heart felt like it stopped. "Say what?!" I felt pressured yet somewhat excited. "Is it time I thought?"  Everything I do I want it do it for YOU, Lord, I prayed.   I received advice, prayed about it, spoke to good friends about it, I figured "Life is short, why not?"  I take risks. I took a leap of faith when I left home almost 4 years ago to a new state for a job, newly graduated from college, barely any money. All I had was my faith. 

I've always struggled to find where I belong: hearing or Deaf? I don't like to pick one. I speak for myself yet I can communicate in American Sign Language, the beauty of two worlds is Love collides.

I dream big. I dream of two worlds coming together, Love, at the center. "Whatever Your Will, Have Your way"   "I give you fear You give faith I give you doubt You give grace."   "If there's a road I should walk, help me find it, if I need to be still give me peace for the moment..."

By the beginning of 2013 I started my journey at Johns Hopkins New beginnings. Excitement arose. My heart was full of joy and peace all details were out of my hands. My doctor explained the procedure in a visual manner. I met with the audiologist, got my hearing tested  then the wait began. the wait for a surgery date.

I was told it would be about 2 months before I get a date. Two weeks later on March 1, 2013 I received email if the following Friday would work. So many emotions ran through my head: joy, nerves. From the beginning I had no idea how the planning would take place, who would take me, the finances.

Out of the blue, a month before my appointment a close friend asked if she could take me when I have surgery. I said YES! The thing with faith is when doors are open especially ones you least expect, to me, is a sign that it's a gift from God and to walk through it to see where He takes me, cooperating with Him.

So I had my ride taken care of, bags packed. the night before I had a slight feeling what if something happens.  I had received a phone call that my insurance had not yet approved surgery.  I took risk to show up in case there was a last minute approval. Whatever it would be, I'm going for the ride!

My friends & I showed up March 8th as scheduled and waited and waited and waited. After a few hours, several phone calls later I was informed they could not get approval and the surgeon waited as long as he could. Receiving this news all my hope lost, out came tears.   I was upset and disappointed yet deep down there was HOPE that HE'S GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN IN HIS TIME not mine!

One week later March 15, I woke up with excitement thanking JESUS for this glorious day, the day my life changes for all His glory. Literally in the shower this day I told God whatever happens I'm doing this for You. Thank you for this opportunity to use me.

After an hour and half later I woke up with soreness in my throat. My first question was " did they nick the nerve?" Every surgery comes with risk but I trusted I was in the best hands possible and whatever happens, happens. After finding out everything went fine "she was strong & healthy" said my surgeon.

One month later was "activation day" the day they turn the program on.  Cochlear Implant is a programmed device inside the ear and an outside device programs what's inside. For me, my hope is to talk on the phone, hear music clearly because I LOVE music, and hear all kinds of sounds and conversations from behind.  I was told to talk on the phone it takes about 18 months to 2 years.  Relearning sounds like a child is the best way to explain it.
I'll wait on You, Lord. Trusting He will guide me to open up my ears for His glory.

This day was celebrated with some of my closest friends who had been so supportive during this journey with me. My audiologist explained the process and gave me directions to watch my friends while they talked so I can pick up when I would hear my first sound with my CI device and what I would hear.  She explained I would hear "drums"  I heard the drums but it wasn't like regular rock band drum it sounded mellow a gentle tone drum.  At this moment I realized the sound was increasing and my eyes widen my mouth dropped when I shouted "it's LOUD!"

The sense of hearing is a gift most people take for granted. We all knew I would be hearing great things but never realized I would be hearing some things for the first time!

Little by little I picked up sounds.

Having this CI has been life changing. I don't know where my new journey will take me but I do know for the moment I'm working at a functional level in a hearing environment. I didn't always be confident of myself. I was afraid to go to places alone. I didn't know how to connect with people let alone have a conversation. I always had anxiety worrying details if I could hear. Now? My Daddy guides me in His love, I can confidently go to places, sit in the 4th row at church no matter what section. I've gone to my First Real Concert by Sidewalk Prophets. I heard "Help Me Find It" on the radio, really hear it and sang my heart out.  Had a bathroom conversation between stalls without lip-reading, Doors began opening I walk hand in hand with the One who loves like no other. The Almighty Powerful Miracle Worker whose faithfulness and greatness is to be praised.

It's now 4 months since activation day, I can now talk on the phone! I am still learning to identify sounds, but my Jesus loves me so much He gives me a better way to hear when I struggle with equipment problems and not being able to do my listening homework online He is faithful.
"Even if it hurts. Have Your way"

Anyone who struggles with obstacles, let me tell you, you bump it up. I call it Bump it up because I have a bump on the side of my head  and to put the device on, to "find it" you have to find the bump and go up.    Roll with grace and live with endless dreams because Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

I definitely could not have done this without the guidance of our great God who faithfully carried me under His grace into the uncertainty to endless possibilities. It takes real blood, sweat, guts and risk to go out and do something that He would call you to only to bring Him the glory. He opened up my ears so I can hear now He's opening up  my eyes to help me see to become the person I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His eyes.  

"Help Me Find It"  is a beautiful written song that reminds me whatever road you walk on, you can walk your way or take His way He will help you find it when you cooperate with Him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjZ94K7UQs.

Two words...

Prayer & Perspective.  Yup. My advice is  TRY IT,  it never fails, especially with such an amazing God we serve. I have just experienced an amazing crazy busy day yesterday at work but throughout the day remained in such a calm & confident attitude with a smile, truth in mind, & ability to put on an armor of God and conquer the day with the greatest weapon: Love. I started by praying the night before that I know in all situations Jesus is in control no matter what happens I trust Him. He never leaves us or forsakes us that is the truth. He loves us sooo much that is the truth. He is "kind, smart & important" and that is the truth.  


When I was told two of my co-workers were absent normally I would have all these anxious thoughts running "omg what do I do, how? I don't think i can I need to go home" nope. Nada. Not of it. Wasn't gonna have it. I kept on going throughout the day talking to God and singing praises and did the best I can.


Perspective is hard sometimes. We tend to easily feel the need to run away from a situation or throw  a pity party. Truth its, it happens & it's okay for a short time cuz that's being real, but it's how you look at it. When you realize the Truth, that you're beautiful, you're a shining light from above, you're in great Hands, that's surrendering and believing He is the Truth. He is gentle. He doesn't lie. and I'm happy to call him my Best, Friend, Jesus. 


that evening, I've encountered something from the past that God has delivered me from. I didn't go with my feelings this time. I trusted God to be there in the moment. I was quiet, said a few words and then reached out to my friends to help me pray for my heart. My heart not to get deceived by a man whose words may be lies. I wasn't gonna go down that road again, not when God has done so much for me to get out of it. Truth: we go through a series of tests in life and the enemy is there ready to rob the joy away, ready to lead you into temptation, tells you all sorts of things that seem out of the ordinary and lead you to sin.   In my amazement I prayed to God as I got into my car and on the way home 'Blessed be Your Name" came on the radio. My thought: Thank You Jesus for reminding me of Your love.  


It's now Thursday and I'm excited that this is has been a great week so far. In two of my bible studies this week, God has really showed me a lesson & was present in both times and it just blows my mind!  I learned about the term "unchangeable labels" those are labels that you call yourself, whether you're blind, deaf, diabetic, a widow.   Now some people choose to use that as  an excuse not to go through life. Others choose to use it as something positive.   Truth is: we were given unchangeable labels by God who has entrusted us to use it in our lives as a testimony and trust God and not our feelings.   


our flesh is so weak but our spirit is so much stronger. I sometimes think "I'm deaf, who's gonna love me?" Truth: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ~ Philippians 4:13   Trust the Lord, be brave & strong and trust the Lord ~ psalms 27:14    more importantly, I have the greatest Love I wouldn't trade it for the world.  He spend some 30 years on this place we call a temporary home, went through everything we humans go through, died on the Cross for all our sins (past present future) rose again in 3 days and now is in us in spirit because that's one of the promises He made. That my friends, is Jesus Christ who is the Great I am and nothing can get through the Father but through Him. ~ John 14:6




On a last note I'll leave you with a song: "The Desert Song"  ..."all of my life in every season You are still God I have a reason to sing.I have a reason to worship.I will bring praise I will bring praise no weapon formed against me shall remain.I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory & He is here. this is my prayer in the harvest where favor and providence flow I know I'm filled to be emptied again this seed I received I will sow...."

new day

they say there may be pain in the night & joy comes in the morning... often that is true... I was totally out at sleep last night that when the alarm went off 5:15 this morning I so did not want to get up. But be faithful with little I did, I showered then went back to sleep to get a few minutes more. Finally was up & about by 6 am and ate breakfast. It's Friday it should be exciting right?!?! Not really kicking in until I was brushing my teeth and looked at my wall of quotes in the bathroom and saw "One light that's all I am"  brought me back to a song we heard in church a while ago by Ten Ave. North "Hold my heart"    

"One tear in the driving rain One voice in the sea of pain could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart One light that's all I am right now I can barely stand If You're everything You say You are won't you come close & hold my heart"


it's a pretty song and it reminds me of this weekend that we're about to do something exciting instead of going to church we're going out to BE the church... to show our love for Jesus by serving in the community with little projects like picking fruits/veggies, painting, praying etc...  I'm really excited... it's about the one main thing in life: Love and I can't wait to pour it all out like a million yellow M&M's :o)

Happy Friday!

Be faithful with little...

a very wise precious friend of mine, whom I call sunset buddy, once told me a few months ago "be faithful with little and much will be given"  she explained what that meant to me and I found in Luke 16:10 "whoever can be trusted with very little can be trusted with very much and whoever is dishonest with every little can be dishonest with much."

at this moment I should be in bed sleeping but I'm so excited on this topic that I have to share my heart.   

I'm so blessed to understand this verse because in almost everything I do when I feel anxious or get a thought that influences me to hold back to something I think "be faithful with little"...  whether it's going to church when i don't feel like it, going to work when i don't feel like it, going to bible study when I don't feel like it...

It almost reminds me of a phrase from a book I'm reading..... the phase goes "we serve a communicating God ~ a God of Words. He created, healed, encouraged, rebuked, guided, prophesied, assured, loved, served & comforted with a Word. This isn't the issue whether or not God is speaking, it's whether we have ears to hear what He says." 

At this point I'm super excited because it's like connecting the dots the big picture is God is speaking.....  He speaks through anything from dreams/visions to songs on the radio to people you meet or people you text/email....

in the end it is soooo worth it because truth is, our flesh is nothing.  our Spirit is worth so much more. when we die our flesh just crumbles and goes nowhere  whereas our spirit flies up to meet Jesus and that's the best place to be :-)

I was emailing a friend and was telling her about how I was dreading going to work tomorrow... I love what I do it's different than where I used to be but I was nervous about meeting/working with new patients I don't know because I've never done this kind of work before, and she reminded me "keep reminding yourself that you are the light of Jesus shining for them in their time of sickness" 

DEEP!!!!!    I actually learned today that the patient I had been working with who is blind, is now discharged from therapy which means I don't need to see her for therapy anymore. I was kind of sad because I enjoyed working with her while she couldn't see, I couldn't hear so we matched! :o)   I came in today to find one of the nursing aides to tell me that the patient was worried about me because I wasn't in yesterday.  I stopped by to see her today and told her I wasn't feeling well but that she was done with therapy and that I would try to stop in once a while to say hi. She was very happy to hear that and may I add this precious lady is 90 years old!!!! the little time I had with her was so fun a real blessing....  she actually told me the other that that she was glad I was working with her because I could understand what "normal people" couldn't.... and I basically went "yup and we can laugh about it right??? and laughed we went...    Thank You, Jesus, for just pouring your heart on mine to see what breaks yours and for helping me to become the person You want me to be. So that I may glorify you in everything I say & do and in the people I meet, short term or long.... 

Even just saying hi, or a smile or something sooo simple it really goes a long way because you truly never know what someone is going through during the day. People may fake a smile on the outside but in the inside they're hurting.   When you shine a light for Jesus, people see that or sense that and may feel Jesus too... He's everywhere, even when one should be faithful with little!!!

What's in your closet?

So we started a new study in bible study called "Me, Myself & Lies"  the title itself may sound intimidating but it's actually an awesome study so far.   By the end of the study, I felt a bit overwhelmed but I know it was a good kinda overwhelmed. I learned to analyze what is in your closet? Some may say it's messy some may say it's neat and organized in colors or in sections some may say it started out clean and now it's a pile of junk. The interesting thing about what is in your closet compares to who you are as a person. We all long to find ourselves in this big world at times we feel alone at times we feel like we're driving ourselves crazy not knowing where to go. But if you really stop and think, take a minute to breathe. Listen. Listen to your Heavenly Father who knows best and who is definitely trying to get you to where He wants you to be. So often we have this longing of control and the happenings of life. the thing I learned so far is that if you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts will control you. Not to worry 'cuz there's a way to prevent that, you can start by monitoring your thoughts.   So how would you describe your self talk?  Would it be constructive? destructive? Ineffective? Powerful?  


For me, for the longest time most of my self-talk has been destructive based on my upbringing. As I came to seek Jesus as my best Friend my self talk has been powerful but every now and then the little voice of destructiveness will come in. that's the enemy dude!  while it's hard I have to believe and try so hard to seek joy in my Father because I know that is what is best for me and to glorify Him. More recently, my self-talk has been on the fence of powerful & destructive which leads to spiritual warfare. Sometimes I'll think "omg that was so stupid you're so dumb! but then I know I'm a child of God  so it basically comes down to once you wake up in the morning your first thought is how your day would go. I strive to wake up with "rise & SHINE!"  Today's the day the Lord has made! Throughout the day there may be things that make our self-talk go bonkers but at least we try We live in a fallen world and the enemy is sooo strong and soo on the move BUT we have to stand firm & keep in the Word and tell the enemy He has got to go because with the Great I am, we have the greatest weapon....


I also learned that if you sow a thought you reap an action. if you reap an action you sow habit. if you sow habit you reap character if you reap character you sow destiny. it sorta reminds me of the verse from Romans 5:3-5 "not only so but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character; and character hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the holy spirit who has been given to us."


in the study the author broke down closet in terms of:
C- cares/concerts "what if"
L- "likes/dislikes -your personality
O- objectives/goals - your plans in life
S- secrets - things you never want anyone to know about you... they're like potatoes they grow and pollute everywhere and eventually affect everything
E- eternity - in Ecc. 3:11 God makes everything beautiful in his own time - the holy spirit is connected in us
T- treasures - what matters most to you, your values


so basically what your closet compose of is how you are as a person...the standard of our self-talk is what is acceptable to God... Note that sometimes what we think is acceptable may not be acceptable to God...   Your thought closet is basically everything that was said to yourself over the years.  That took to heart for me because in my upbringing a lot of it was so negative so it had taken time to clean out those thoughts to make it a positive and believe which voice to listen to...


 I learned that bricks are used as a name for ourselves. it is man-made while Stones are God-made.  As mentioned before we have that need for control therefore we end up building up our own bricks and labels, when in reality we already have an identity... God has created us all to be a living stone.  I found by the end of the study when I mediate on the verses the next day it's almost like bricks are the same thing, it's ugly, it's thick it's rough. On the other hand, stones are colorful, smooth, and different. It reminds me of the song "Tear down the Walls" - 


I don't know about you but I don't want to spend my whole life building up bricks after another when I can tear down the walls with the Truth, wearing my armor of God, standing firm to become a living stone. That's the beauty of it, God already sees us all as beautiful finished products. So why keep trying to fix ourselves? 


Lastly, I learned in psalms 19:14 "let the words of my mouth & mediation of my heart be acceptable to You, Lord for You are my strength & my redeemer"  

Reflection

I realize it has been a few months since I last wrote on this blog. Life became busy. Things happened. Since the last time I wrote, I dealt with two trips home to visit family, new job change, surgery, and my sister moved to CO.  It's hard to believe how much can happen in so little time, but then again it's a reminder of what I learned today at the Women's Retreat that God is in the details. Through it all He is in control. On my way home, I was thinking, soaking in all the stuff I learned this weekend. It was pretty deep, made my heart ache for the people who are brave souls to tell their stories yet at the end I left with a healing that I know I'll never be the same again. Before we left, we had to write inside a piece of paper that was given to us with Jesus on the front and a nail, one insecurity to give up and nail to the cross, actually physically do it. During my quiet time today, I learned that the scars of our lives are temporary. The pain and broken roads are temporary yet it also brings us closer to God. We have to face our pain in order to grow thus calling it "growing pains".  The scars are also a reminder of what Jesus scars represent, forgiveness, grace, dying for us. Yesterday throughout the day I kept thinking two phrases "healing and this is the promise I made."

When I wrote during my quiet time today, it was a love letter from my heart.
Precious Bride, the time has come a time of new beginnings, healing brings joy. Scars of your life is temporary. O child, I came for you, died for you. I was where you are now. I understand your pain. The aches the scars the anger the sadness the tears. I understand all for I am greater. No one can snatch them from My hand. My love remains for you, my daughter, the same yesterday today and tomorrow. My love has no fear. I do not give you a heart to fear.  I give you a heart to love. Consume My love and flourish like waterfall, sparkle like a shining star to one another, Love Jesus


Then i kept on writing:  


I am strong. I am beautiful. I am a princess of the King. I am accepted, a beloved Child. I have Christ's strength. I am chosen I am free. I am free to run like the wind. I am free to dance, dance with grace.  "My grace is sufficient for you. I am the Way Truth & Life. I am constantly molding you changing you my work in you, beautiful bride is not complete til I come back again. The pain may be deep but temporary a reminder of how much I love you. Do not worry little one for I have never left you. I am here. come to Me the time has come a time to heal. heal from worry. heal from pain.  You have been forgiven. Move forward with everything I have given you. "How high how wide no matter where I am healing is in Your hands how deep how strong now by Your grace I stand." I am your comforter your prince of peace your beginning your ending be fly little butterfly because you can can.

then inside the piece of paper we had to write one insecurity to give up..... immediately I felt it in my heart it was time... I wrote the one word that I've waited so long to write.... "anxiety"   I've given it up. No more spasms. I am free.    I nailed it to the cross to give to Jesus.  

Looking back, it made sense..  yesterday during a walk with a friend I hadn't seen in so long we chatted it up and I told her how I've grown in Christ because I haven't had the need to take anxiety medicine for a few months now. I'm relying on God to get me through to meet my needs. I listen to worship songs and the  words have special meaning now of who He is and I feel blessed cuz it's my gift to give back to Him when I sign to Him. so I saw that they were doing "lead me to the cross" and i felt I needed to sign that one. So i did.   at the end I cried so hard   that's when I just knew it was a break through.    To find today we had to give up the one thing to the cross...then on the way home I was thinking about what I learned and how God is in the details... I felt it on my heart to write this:

God is in the details look inside your life what do you see?

My Father who is strong & steady, steady as a tree

One life to live don’t miss your calling by Me.

Look up and down, left and right what do you see?

God is in the details He made the birds & bees and creatures undersea.

He knows how many hairs on our heads even the wrinkles on our face

Even in our struggles He gives us dear grace.

He made the lame walk, the blind to see & the deaf to hear.

In our hearts He is close so sweet and dear.

In the midst of our busyness, phone calls, facebook, errands, groceries and soccer games

God is in the details: look closely & listen with hearts & arms wide open

His love for you, dear one, will never be the same.

God is in the details, He constantly molds & stretches us

All-knowing and all-powerful is He

There’s no other place I’d rather be

Than in the arms of my Father, Who knows best, His light shines brightly in the darkest place.

God is in the details, don’t give Him space, embrace Him dear one

For He is our Prince of Peace, our comforter, our Love, is the Son of God, Jesus Christ.

Let go of the fear...

So I love to read. I read an amazing book called "Just between You and Me" by Jenny B. Jones. It's a novel of letting go of fear and reaching out to God and trusting Him. It was really good, so good I cried at the end!  There were a few quotes in that book that I really like. One in particular is this:


"Because you will never, ever have the life God's planned for you as long as you're holding onto that fear."


Fear can be sneaky. Fear can mess up your head when you're trying to do the right thing or seek Christ. I'm struggling with that right now with my job. I work in all hearing environment and for as long as I can remember I've never let my hearing loss get in the way of things. I feel it's a special trait to have a hearing loss. It's how you look at it. I can tell you how many times I've stumbled and fall but I get back up again with Christ's strength. Everyone goes through this. It's how you look at it.  Looking back to the past few days though right now I'm so exhausted I can't even tell you the details but I can tell you everytime I felt anxious and wanted to quit, something positive happens. Take my job for instance. I don't feel motivated to get up and go to work but I do it anyway. I try to put a smile on my face and go in with such confidence that I know Jesus wants me to do. I'll tell you it pays off. They say "actions speak louder than words" and that is true. the other day when I really really wanted to quit. one of the nurses came up to me and said "I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do here." I'm like "really?" she said "yes you have this smile on you all the time and look so peaceful."  I'm like "really? inside I feel like crying out and want to quit!"  As I type this I realize it's the power of the enemy trying to take me down. It's the fear. 


I'm reminded in Psalms 91:4-6: from the Message:
You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow, 
Say this: "God, you're my refuge. I trust in you and I'm safe!" That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards.  His huge outstretched arms protect you— under them you're perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm. Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night, not flying arrows in the day,Not disease that prowls through the darkness,not disaster that erupts at high noon. Even though others succumb all around,drop like flies right and left, no harm will even graze you.You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance, watch the wicked turn into corpses.Yes, because God's your refuge, the High God your very own home,Evil can't get close to you,harm can't get through the door.He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they'll catch you;their job is to keep you from falling. You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes, and kick young lions and serpents from the path."


My Lord, my Redeemer, is always with me and as long as I keep my eyes on HIM the One who can provide strength, courage, peace and will see me through...


I also have to share this because this is so true and His word never fails. For anyone who is going through the motions reading this will give such peace.


"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Matthew 11:28-30


all that fear just goes out the window after reading these not once but a few times and get it stuck on your heart...


the book of Psalms 91 captures my heart and I try to remember to read this every-time I feel afraid or anxious.  it starts with this:  “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1"   I choose peace.    What do you choose?